Smarmoofus Spot

I wrote this early, and I’m proud of that.  Go me!  (What’s it like in the future?)

Grateful to find an open seat just behind the dividing line, she watched reserved seats fill at the next stop.  The driver noticed them sitting while their ‘betters’ stood.  “Y’all gotta do the right thing,” he said.
Others moved.
“I shouldn’t have to,” she defied.
“I’ll be callin’ the cops, then.”
“You may do that.”

Story behind the story:

On the evening of December 1, 1955, Rosa Parks boarded the Cleveland Avenue bus to take her home from her work day at Montgomery Fair department store.  At the time, a city ordinance required the public bus system reserve a number of seat rows at the front of the bus for whites only.  Mrs. Parks took a seat in the first row behind that reserved section.  When the reserved area seats were all taken, additional white passengers boarded and maintained the segregation of races by standing in the forward section of the bus.  The driver saw this and, as was the custom (not law), approached the black passengers and asked them to move back so the driver could expand the “white” section of the bus, effectively giving the black passengers’ seats to white passengers.  Three black gentlemen sitting around Mrs. Parks complied.  However, Mrs. Parks was tired.  Not physically tired from her work, but emotionally drained from the repeated humiliation and subjugation black Americans had endured.  So she refused to move, the police were called, and she was arrested.  This seemingly small act of civil disobedience sparked the Montgomery Bus Boycott, a major event in the U.S. Civil Rights Movement.

Writing about this incident later, Martin Luther King, Jr.  said, “no one can understand the action of Mrs. Parks unless he realizes that eventually the cup of endurance runs over, and the human personality cries out, ‘I can take it no longer.’”

Rosa Louise McCauley Parks was born February 4, 1913 and died October 24, 2005.  Her legacy endures.

 
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What can I say to make you understand?  I know what you want me to say, but since you’re so concerned with honesty, I won’t say that.  As difficult as it is for you to comprehend, I am happy.  I am complete.  I am at peace with the world and my place in it.  I don’t have to do anything, or know anybody, or think, or feel, or achieve the things you think are important for your life.  I have already accomplished what I needed to accomplish.  And I have had life figured out to my satisfaction for some time.

But that’s not good enough for you.  Instead of living your own life and leaving me alone, you insist that I should be unhappy, because you would be unhappy in my circumstances.  And you have gone out of your way repeatedly to try to make me unhappy.  You think I am a liar because I don’t display anger, sadness, or bitterness.   I don’t because I am not angry at my circumstances.  I am angry with you for telling me just how crappy I should be feeling.  You have insulted me time and time again, not just when you’re saying deliberately hurtful things, but when you express to me how miserable I should be feeling.  What you are saying is that my life is meaningless and that I am worthless, and I should just throw in the towel.  To that I have just two words for you.  Listen closely, because I’ll only say this once:  FUCK.  YOU.

Yes, I do wish I had been dealt a slightly different hand. But when you stop to consider the great accident that is everybody’s lot in life, you have to realize how absurd it would be to despair over a few details.  After all, it is only serendipity that put you in your family, in your country, your ethnic background, with your genetic makeup, and your socio-economic upbringing.  Fortunately for you, you did well in the sweepstakes of life.  Despite what you think, I feel I did fairly well, myself… not quite as well as you, obviously, but fairly well.  The difference between you and me is I appreciate what I have, while you are an angry, ugly, spoiled brat.

I could rail to your satisfaction against the Fates for putting the obstacles before me that I have faced, but what would that accomplish?  After I have shed all the tears you think I should shed to be “genuine”, I will still be me, and I will still be contained in this body, in this life, in this existence.  And in the end it is all going to just be gone, anyway…  So I decided a long time ago–long before you were born–that I would enjoy this ride as best I could in the vehicle I was given.  I’m in it for the journey, not the destination.  So stop slashing my tires!

It’s 55 time!  Okay, it was 55 time about three hours ago.  But better late than never, right, G?

“Everybody I’ve talked to has said such wonderful things about her… what happened?” she asked gently, but with genuine interest.
“She…” he began on a sigh, then paused to collect himself.  “She is wonderful: smart, funny, kind, resourceful…  She’s just wonderful.”  He grew quiet.
“So…?” she prompted.
“So, I don’t know… I just don’t know.”

Story behind the story:

It’s not women’s fault they can’t figure men out.  Men can’t figure men out.

 
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I almost forgot, G!  But here I am… without a prod, push, or poke!  Go me!

“You’ll come, wont you?” her friend asked.  “Please say you’ll come!”
Sarah hesitated, her emotions in turmoil.
Her friend paused. “Oh. Unless you don’t want to.  I mean… I understand.”
“No, I want to!” Sarah assured her.  “I just… he’ll be there.  With her.”
“Sorry,” her friend frowned.  “I don’t get him.  We’re all puzzled.”

Story behind the story:

A good friend is marrying my ex’s younger brother.  Need I say more?  I suppose this is not as bad as the time I was invited to the wedding of the guy I had my eye on… by the guy himself!  Nothing could’ve persuaded me to attend that one.  This one might be possible.  With moral support.  Maybe.

 
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Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty-five!  It’s 55 time!  Weee, fun!  (Love you, G!)

“I need to schedule my annual checkup.”
“Dr. Johnson has an opening March 11th.  Will 11:15 work for you?”
“But today is January 11th.  That’s two months away!”
“I’ll check if there’s a cancellation…” and there was a wait while she did.  “How about March 1st?”
She laughed incredulously, then sighed, “I’ll take it.”

Story behind the story:

I used to make all of my appointments for checkups at the same time of the year: GP, specialists, dental, vision. Originally, that time was September.  But slowly over the last eight years or so, they’ve been moving further and further apart.  My pulmonology appointment is always in mid-September, at least, because her office schedules the appointment for me and sends out an appointment card… then I reschedule if that date is not good.  But the rest of them I have to remember to do on my own.  And sometimes I forget to make the phone calls, so I find myself calling at about the time that I would ideally actually be seeing the doctor.  Two years ago, my cardiology appointment was in October.  Last year, January.  And this year,… it will apparently be in March.  I figure in a few more years it will have wound back ’round to September again.

 
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Okay, G-man… this is not the story I was mentally composing when you made the rounds on Tuesday.  I was inspired later that night, and this is the result:

“Pretend I am clever.  Admire my work!” she demanded playfully.
“OK,” he replied indulgently.  “You are clever.”
“Oh!”  she exclaimed.  “What a fun game!  Now pretend I’m beautiful!”
He chuckled, shaking his head.  “There’s no need to pretend that, m’dear.”
“Ooh…” she sighed dreamily.  Then she considered, “But wait… you had to pretend I’m clever?!”

Story behind the story:

And he can backpedal with the best of ‘em, too! Of course that’s not what he meant.  He was only following directions.  Men! (*giggle*)

 
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Sometimes I scan the headlines at Google News and nothing new or terribly interesting jumps out at me.  But this weekend has been unusually newsworthy, so here is my commentary on a very few of the items that caught my attention:

Study: 1 in 110 U.S. Children Had Autism in 2006 – CNN.com

Highlights:

• CDC: One child in 110 had autism in 2006, a jump of 57 percent from 2002
• One in 70 boys were diagnosed with disorder, compared with one in 315 girls
• Experts: More awareness of symptoms needed so children can be diagnosed earlier
• Earlier intervention means more malleable behavior patterns, experts say

First, this is alarming, even to me — and I’d already read several articles that hinted at an increase in prevalence, so it isn’t exactly new news.  But the increase is far more dramatic than I had realized.  Before seeing these figures, I could dismiss the idea that the number of kids with autism spectrum disorder was on the rise as anecdotal.  More and more friends who had kids were telling me of their irregular development, but it seemed plausible to me that maybe the phenomenon I thought I was observing was just a matter of reaching that life stage where we have kids who would be old enough to identify as “normal” or somewhere on the spectrum.  Perhaps.  But this article quantifies it.  The numbers make it real — hard, indisputable data.  And it’s alarming.

But then we move on to why?  I have hypotheses.  I would love to explore them, and I am sure there are researchers out there who are exploring them.  One of my ideas has to do with maternal diet while the fetus is developing.  As I look at the typical American diet, I am seeing less public concern for actual nutrients as we instead focus on the caloric, fat, and sugar content of foods.  We could all be well-fed but malnourished.  Another idea has to do with the increased age at which we are starting families these days (according to the CDC, we have seen an increase of 3.6 years to an average first-birth maternal age of 25 years, and the proportion of first births to women aged 35 years and over increased nearly eight times since the 1970s).  One article I read suggested that advanced maternal age may play a part in the development of an autism spectrum disorder.  Then there is the whole “fragile X syndrome” explanation, which has considerable weight because it is verifiable through genetic testing (though it accounts for a relatively small proportion of people with an autism spectrum disorder).

But none of that is likely to matter, because I also read this in the news:

Global Warming Hike May Be Steeper: Research

Highlights:

• Global temperatures could rise substantially more because of increases in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere than previously thought, according to a new study by US and Chinese scientists released Sunday.
• Calculations for man-made global warming may be underestimated by between 30 and 50 percent.
• “Since there is no indication that the future will behave differently than the past, we should expect a couple of degrees of continued warming even if we held CO2 concentrations at the current level,” said lead researcher Mark Pagani of Yale.

If you own land in Florida, sell now.  And say goodbye to Tuvalu.  I dunno.   All we can do is wait and see.  It’s not like we can change the minds of all those politicians and business people who are making money while denying this issue.  And maybe they’re right… maybe the scientists don’t know what they’re talking about.  I mean, scientists are just average people with decades of training and research under their belts.  It’s completely likely that the lay politicians know better.

The thing is, I don’t really care about the rise in ocean levels.  Or even the poor polar bears (*sob*  Yes, I do!).  What I care about is the loss of fresh water and the reduction in arable land.  Global climate change is going to make it difficult to feed and supply fresh water to… what are we up to now? Almost seven billion humans?  Time to administer the anti-virals.  Poor Earth.

And finally…

Eurostar Suspends Service for Third Day

Highlights:

• Severe snowy conditions in northern France had caused snow to be ingested into trains in a way never seen before, shorting electrical systems and stalling trains.
• Thousands of passengers were trapped on five trains in the Channel Tunnel on Friday and Saturday in wintry weather.
• The company is transporting 500 of its “most vulnerable” passengers to France.

To this I say, only, I was nowhere near the Chunnel!  I didn’t touch it!  This one was not my fault.  That’s really all I have to say.  Except maybe I should add that I think it would be utterly cool to be a passenger on one of those trains!  Put my take-it-all-in-stride-itude to the test, along with my resourceful packing skills.  I would be warm and cozy, because I always carry a blanket with me.  I would likely have snacks.  Maybe even some soda (which provides water and calories, empty though they may be).  As long as the lavatories were available, I would’ve managed just fine.  Because I am Super Smarmoofus.  I shall prevail!

It’s time for 55 words of my choosing, your reading.  I have made my choices, so now it’s your turn.  So read, already!  READ!

She had promised to refer to him as her friend.  They’d agreed to keep it low key.  But how low key could meeting her parents ever be?
“Mom, Dad,” her impish smile worried him. “I’d really like to introduce you to Alec…” he threw a confused glance at her, “…but this is my friend Kevin.”

Story behind the story:

That low key.  *maniacal giggle*  You ever have one of those moments when something perversely funny occurs to you, and even though you may be sitting alone in your house in the wee hours of the morning, you start laughing hysterically?  Like, tears-streaming-down-the-face, bed-thrashingly hysterical laughter?   Yeah.  That was me tonight.  But maybe it’s not the “joke”… maybe it’s me.  *seeks tranquility*

Also, yay for fiction, for a change!  Go me!  I’m funny and creative!

 
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NOTE: Don’t forget that Mr. O over at the Oquirrh Mountain Man’s blogspot is starting up a new meme, beginning this Tuesday, December 22, 2009, and every Tuesday thereafter.  So head on over to check it out by clicking this button:

Yay!  Another bit of “fiction” in 55 words!  G-man, I bet you thought I forgot… (I did, actually.  You’d have won that bet.)

“What about Evan?” Jules asked, after Sara had updated her.  “WTF!  I want you to get back together with him!”
“Y’know, it’s like you’re watching a soap opera, and you’re not happy with the direction the plot is going,” Sara chided.  Then she realized what she said.  “Crap! This is my life!”

Story behind the story:

Getting this story written within the 55-word constraint was a challenge this week.  I hope it was worth it.  Also, thanks ‘Jules’, ‘Evan’, and all the other unnamed characters, for the inspiration. It’s really okay, guys… I don’t believe in boredom, anyway.

 
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For lack of anything else to post, I will now list a selection of recent Facebook stati I have used. Unfortunately, without the comments thread, many of them are a bit less funny than on Facebook.

Smarmoofus…

• …intercepted your letter to Santa and made a few edits. She really hopes you enjoy your new Dr. Scholl’s inserts and Aspercreme.
• …wouldn’t mind spring arriving before Christmas. Personally, I think she should move to the Southern Hemisphere. That would do everybody a favor.¹
• …is getting veeerrrrry sleeeeeepy. She can barely keep her eyes open. When I count to three, she will be in a deep trance, relaxed and cognizant of only my voice… One. Two. Three.¹
• …hates waking up early on cold and dreary mornings, and wishes she could retire already. Oh, wait.
• …mocks your ridicule. Hah!
• …is afoot at the Circle-K.
• …will now demonstrate her amazing powers of sleep. Let’s watch. *sleep*
• …has decided to watch you sleep this time. *watch*
• …dreamt she had a special cricket that got into her brother’s fish tank, and he killed one of his fish retrieving her cricket for her. But she didn’t care about the fish. All she cared about was that her cricket was alive.
• …is silently laughing at all of her friends who friended their parents on Facebook and now get random wall posts and comments that don’t flow with a comment thread. But, really, FB should make you click through a warning screen before you can post: “Warning! You are about to post this to your son’s/daughter’s public wall. Are you sure this content is germane and will not embarrass the recipient?”
• …saw a headline about something tragic that occurred “on Thursday” and thought to herself, “Wow… how did I not learn about that ’til now?” Then two hours later, she realized it was Thursday.
• …stopped to exchange the router and buy bullets first.²
• …was out wandering around in the grass and trees while gardening was going on, and nothing. She walks into her house and suddenly her eyes are puffy and she’s sniffly and she can’t stop sneezing. Turns out, Smarmoofus is allergic to Home, so she must travel. Travel, travel, travel.
• …is looking forward to the morning’s activity, except for the part where it will take place in the morning.
• …got a rock.³
• …heard something explode outside. However, after cursory investigation, there are no signs of life. Or death, for that matter.
• …really really wants a Fluffy Cloud Sammich™. *drool*
• …knows that we know that she knows that we’re on to her. It’s time to make our move.¹
• …has broken internets, but her neighbors are somehow still online, and they don’t seem to know how to encrypt their network… *shifty eyes*
• …fixed her internets! And she might not have encrypted her neighbor’s network in the process.
• …is now going to attempt to squeeze in an hour of reading and eight hours of sleep before her alarm goes off in seven hours.  *superhero pose*
• …must go sit on the Dora-Laura and think about what she’s done.
• …needed a new status. That other one was so yesterday.
• …made you snort tea. It came with the pants.
• …is about to happen in Vegas. Yay!
• …stole the orange and green glitter glue tubes she and Erica were using at the iStockphoto promotion. This “Sin City” stuff is going to her head.
• …can’t go mountain biking! She’ll die! Oh noes!
• …yawned, and now she’s watching you yawn, too.
• …eyes the clock with a bleary-eyed glare, thinking that a 5:30am alarm and snoozing ’til 6am is much too early to be waking up after her 22-hour drive home. She wonders in which part of her body the revolution will begin.
• …glares at the sunrise again. “Good morning, cruel world!”
• …will now go do tricks that leave her breathless and be photographed topless in exchange for drugs.*
• …smiles the smile of a person who did not have to wake up earlier than desired to the sound of an inanimate and unyielding device demanding her consciousness.
• …just went into her bathroom to take a bath, forgot why she went in there, and flushed the (unused) toilet out of confusion. Eep!
• …cordially invites you to the debut of her new status. *pause* Okay, that was fun. Thank you all for coming.

Don’t you wish you were my friend?  Well, I make me laugh, at least.

¹ This is part of a recurring theme in which my status displays sentience and a bit of snarkiness toward me.
² This was an actual text message I sent to my brother’s girlfriend when she questioned where I was the day I went to my land with my brother.  I never thought I’d utter that phrase, so it became my status for the day.
³ Posted on October 31, 2009.
* In reference to my annual pulmonology checkup. The “photographs” were actually chest xrays.