Smarmoofus Spot

For lack of anything else to post, I will now list a selection of recent Facebook stati I have used. Unfortunately, without the comments thread, many of them are a bit less funny than on Facebook.

Smarmoofus…

• …intercepted your letter to Santa and made a few edits. She really hopes you enjoy your new Dr. Scholl’s inserts and Aspercreme.
• …wouldn’t mind spring arriving before Christmas. Personally, I think she should move to the Southern Hemisphere. That would do everybody a favor.¹
• …is getting veeerrrrry sleeeeeepy. She can barely keep her eyes open. When I count to three, she will be in a deep trance, relaxed and cognizant of only my voice… One. Two. Three.¹
• …hates waking up early on cold and dreary mornings, and wishes she could retire already. Oh, wait.
• …mocks your ridicule. Hah!
• …is afoot at the Circle-K.
• …will now demonstrate her amazing powers of sleep. Let’s watch. *sleep*
• …has decided to watch you sleep this time. *watch*
• …dreamt she had a special cricket that got into her brother’s fish tank, and he killed one of his fish retrieving her cricket for her. But she didn’t care about the fish. All she cared about was that her cricket was alive.
• …is silently laughing at all of her friends who friended their parents on Facebook and now get random wall posts and comments that don’t flow with a comment thread. But, really, FB should make you click through a warning screen before you can post: “Warning! You are about to post this to your son’s/daughter’s public wall. Are you sure this content is germane and will not embarrass the recipient?”
• …saw a headline about something tragic that occurred “on Thursday” and thought to herself, “Wow… how did I not learn about that ’til now?” Then two hours later, she realized it was Thursday.
• …stopped to exchange the router and buy bullets first.²
• …was out wandering around in the grass and trees while gardening was going on, and nothing. She walks into her house and suddenly her eyes are puffy and she’s sniffly and she can’t stop sneezing. Turns out, Smarmoofus is allergic to Home, so she must travel. Travel, travel, travel.
• …is looking forward to the morning’s activity, except for the part where it will take place in the morning.
• …got a rock.³
• …heard something explode outside. However, after cursory investigation, there are no signs of life. Or death, for that matter.
• …really really wants a Fluffy Cloud Sammich™. *drool*
• …knows that we know that she knows that we’re on to her. It’s time to make our move.¹
• …has broken internets, but her neighbors are somehow still online, and they don’t seem to know how to encrypt their network… *shifty eyes*
• …fixed her internets! And she might not have encrypted her neighbor’s network in the process.
• …is now going to attempt to squeeze in an hour of reading and eight hours of sleep before her alarm goes off in seven hours.  *superhero pose*
• …must go sit on the Dora-Laura and think about what she’s done.
• …needed a new status. That other one was so yesterday.
• …made you snort tea. It came with the pants.
• …is about to happen in Vegas. Yay!
• …stole the orange and green glitter glue tubes she and Erica were using at the iStockphoto promotion. This “Sin City” stuff is going to her head.
• …can’t go mountain biking! She’ll die! Oh noes!
• …yawned, and now she’s watching you yawn, too.
• …eyes the clock with a bleary-eyed glare, thinking that a 5:30am alarm and snoozing ’til 6am is much too early to be waking up after her 22-hour drive home. She wonders in which part of her body the revolution will begin.
• …glares at the sunrise again. “Good morning, cruel world!”
• …will now go do tricks that leave her breathless and be photographed topless in exchange for drugs.*
• …smiles the smile of a person who did not have to wake up earlier than desired to the sound of an inanimate and unyielding device demanding her consciousness.
• …just went into her bathroom to take a bath, forgot why she went in there, and flushed the (unused) toilet out of confusion. Eep!
• …cordially invites you to the debut of her new status. *pause* Okay, that was fun. Thank you all for coming.

Don’t you wish you were my friend?  Well, I make me laugh, at least.

¹ This is part of a recurring theme in which my status displays sentience and a bit of snarkiness toward me.
² This was an actual text message I sent to my brother’s girlfriend when she questioned where I was the day I went to my land with my brother.  I never thought I’d utter that phrase, so it became my status for the day.
³ Posted on October 31, 2009.
* In reference to my annual pulmonology checkup. The “photographs” were actually chest xrays.

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